


Kokoke

by daughter_of_lilith



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Charlie Edwards - Freeform, Infertility, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7716184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughter_of_lilith/pseuds/daughter_of_lilith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I always wanted to ask, why did you trust her when she said Charlie wasn’t yours? I mean I can vaguely understand you believing her, but why Stan? Why wouldn’t a millionaire property developer insist on a paternity test when he found out his wife got pregnant while she was cheating on him?"</p>
<p>Steve finally asks the question we've all been thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kokoke

**Author's Note:**

> All credit for the idea of Danny's proposal goes to  JillyBeans_storycorner .You should go read her amazing story  Borrowed Time.

It had been a long week in the paradise of Oahu. The criminals of the island seem to be working overtime to keep Five-0 run ragged, but the team had finally caught a breakthrough on Friday morning and managed to get the perps booked and all the paperwork done before the weekend for which Danny at least had been absurdly grateful. It was his first weekend with both kids since Rachel’s confession about Charlie’s parentage. Thank god the bone marrow donation had gone off without a hitch and now he was feeling stronger Rachel was letting Danny spend some time getting to know his son.

Usually on a custody weekend Steve would have seen Danny and Grace at least once, whether it was taking Grace running, or meeting them at Kamekona’s for lunch. This weekend though Danny had been apologetic as he explained that they’d be changing up the usual routine. He’d claimed that Charlie was still getting used to him and he didn’t want to introduce too many new people all at once. The poor kid was confused enough as it was. Steve had nodded, made all the right supportive noises, and started planning out in meticulous detail all the ways he was going to get back at Rachel for hurting Danny like this.

Now it’s Sunday evening and Steve is unsurprised to hear the throaty roar of the camaro as it pulls into his driveway. He hears the front door open and shut as Danny’s heavy tread moves towards the back of the house. It pauses and Steve hears the fridge open, and the familiar sound of a beer cap hitting the kitchen counter before Danny continues outside and drops heavily into the chair beside Steve. “God, I hate this so much.” he grumbles. “I swore I wasn’t gonna do it this time but Rach and I ended up having another screaming match in the driveway. She keeps my son from me for three years and then she dares to criticise how I chose to parent him. I mean where does she get the nerve…” He trails off into silence and takes a long pull from the bottle.

Steve sighs. “You’ve gotta find a way to let this go buddy. I know she lied and I know it sucks, but you’ve gotta find a way to move past this, or at least be civil. You’ve gotta do it for the kids at least…”

“Don’t you think I’m trying?” Danny explodes. And there it is, the anger that’s never far from the surface these days. He knows Danny doesn’t mean to aim it at him, but he’s just so full of rage that it spills out over whoever happens to be nearby. Steve’s willing to take the brunt of it, but only for so long. He’s never seen Danny this tightly wound, not even when he was fighting for custody of Grace.

“Yeah, well maybe that couples counsellor we saw can fit you in, teach you some conflict resolution strategies…”

“Says the man who never met a conflict he didn’t like.” But the back and forth of their normal banter seems to working. Danny leans back in the chair and stares moodily out at the ocean, taking another pull of his beer. “I’m just so fucking tired of this babe.”

And right there Steve’s heart wants to break. His partner sounds so defeated, so unlike himself that it’s frightening. It’s been a terrible year all round, but it’s hit Danny harder than most, with Matt’s death, his time in Colombia and the revelations about Amber’s past. Now it seems like Charlie is going to be the straw that breaks him.

Danny sits silently drinking his beer while Steve tries desperately to think of something to say to break the silence that won’t set Danny off again. He glances over at his partner and sees him start to relax as the beer hits his system, sinking lower into the chair. Danny’s been lashing out more and more lately. Steve had figured it would calm down as Charlie got better, but it seems to be getting worse. It’s like Danny can’t stand to let anyone close anymore. Like if he keeps everyone at arm’s length nobody can see how badly he’s hurting. Steve knows he needs to try and fix this, but getting Danny to open up is a bit like walking through a minefield. For all that his life is an open book he’s surprisingly good at keeping his true feelings hidden when he wants to. When Danny’s angry everyone knows, but when he’s hurting he hides it under layers of bluster. Steve takes a sip of his beer and leans back in his chair, trying to appear casual.

“I always wanted to ask, why did you trust her when she said Charlie wasn’t yours?” Out of the corner of his eye Steve can see Danny tense, the loose sprawl of earlier forgotten. He forges ahead anyway, Steve’s never been one to leave things alone, especially not when they concern his partner. “I mean I can vaguely understand you believing her, but why Stan? Why wouldn’t a millionaire property developer insist on a paternity test when he found out his wife got pregnant while she was cheating on him?”

Danny sighs. “You just can't leave anything alone can you? If I told you it was personal and I don’t want to talk about it what are the chances you’d let it go at that?”

Steve tilts his head contemplatively, “Not that good if I’m honest.” He smiles what Danny likes to call his you-know-you-really-want-to-confess smile and stares at his partner.

Danny sighs and raises his hands “I don't know what I did in a past life to be saddled with teaching you about basic mammal-to-mammal interactions but normal people, people who do not have the emotional maturity of Swiss cheese, they would take my comment about not wanting to talk about it and respect that. You on the other hand, I know you, and even if I distract you tonight you’ll hound me about it until I give in and tell you everything just to get away from your incessant pestering. And because I know that's how this will go I'm gonna save us both a lot of time and aggravation and just give up now. But I want you to know I'm doing this under protest.” Danny's hands have been flying throughout the whole rant, but now they fall to his lap and clench tightly.

“But there are rules to this disclosure, you gotta let me tell it my way, you gotta keep all your comments to yourself until the end, and you gotta get me another beer first.”

Danny waves his empty bottle at Steve who grabs it and retreats to the kitchen. Grabbing two new bottles he stands for a minute looking out the window at his partner. Danny's sitting hunched over in the chair, head cradled in his hands. He looks small and miserable, and Steve’s about to go out and tell him it doesn't matter, he doesn't have to share but Danny takes a deep breath as he straightens and Steve can see him physically pull himself together. Hell, Danny's been so angry lately, ever since Rachel’s confession, maybe it'll do him good to let some of it out.

As Steve returns to his chair Danny holds his hand out and Steve hands him a beer. Danny takes a long swallow. He’s staring at the ocean, but Steve will bet his entire collection of grenades that whatever he’s looking at it’s not the here and now.

“So, remember the story I told you about my partner Grace and what happened on 9/11? I told you Rach and I had just found out we were expecting, but I kinda left out some details. We weren't actually married at that point. We'd been dating a couple of months and things were going really well but finding out we were going to be parents was kinda shocking. I may not have reacted as well as I could have, and Matty was the one who yelled at me and made me pull my head outta my ass. Rach had just had her first scan and it was really starting to sink in that I was gonna be a dad when Grace and I went out that day. God, what a disaster. Rach came and found me in the hospital afterwards, and I just proposed right then and there. After everything I’d been through I couldn’t bear the thought of not being there for her, for them. I grabbed the pull-tab off a soda can cause it was the only vaguely ring-like thing I could see and told her I loved her so much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and our baby.”

“Jesus Danny, I’m sorry, we gave you so much shit for that proposal story…”

Danny turns and glares at him. “Don't I know it, but you're meant to be listening McGarrett, not commenting.” Steve mimes zipping his mouth shut and sits back, waiting for Danny to continue.

Danny takes another long swallow of his beer. “Grace arrived and we were so happy. We never had enough sleep, and certainly never enough money but that didn't matter because we were so stupidly in love. Then after about a year I got promoted to homicide with a nice bump in pay to go along with it, and we figured we had a handle on Grace so it was time to expand our family. Rach’s an only child and she always wanted a sibling and with my big family it just made sense to have another kid you know?”

“So we start trying and nothing happens. We joke about it a bit, she got knocked up so easily the first time so of course it’s taking forever this time. But time goes on and still nothing. Nada. Now we’re getting worried. Eventually we go to a doctor, get all the tests, which are not fun let me tell you. You ever tried to jerk off in a room while a bunch of nurses stand around in the hallway and gossip? Not exactly conducive to creating the proper mood my friend. But anyway, we get all the tests done and as far as they can tell there’s nothing wrong. I mean we had a kid already it’s obvious everything works, but for some reason it’s just not happening.”

“Rach took it hard, started looking into different things we could try, but we were never going to be able to afford IVF on a cop’s salary.” Danny sighs and closes his eyes, hands clasped around the neck of the beer bottle as he breathes out heavily.

Steve shifts and opens his mouth to say something, he’s not sure what, but Danny looks so withdrawn, lost in whatever memories he’s seeing behind his eyes that Steve feels the need to offer some kind of comfort.

But then Danny starts again and the moment is lost. “So I’m going to assume here that like most of the human population you don’t know a lot about infertility. I know I sure as hell didn’t when we started this whole thing, but it is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and that includes losing Matty. It worms its stupid way into your life until it’s all you can think about. You start to question your worth as a person. Like biologically you have this one role, right, and you’re failing at it. Every month you go through this roller-coaster of emotions. You experience the full five stages of grief every month and then you’ve gotta pick yourself up and do it all over again the next month.”

“The worst part was what it did to the two of us. I couldn’t stand to see Rachel suffer, so I started working late, taking extra shifts. Anything to avoid going home. Turns out infertility triples your chances for divorce, and we didn’t even try to beat the odds. Six years after Gracie was born we were over.”

“Danny, man, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

Danny laughs mirthlessly. “Of course you didn’t. It’s not something I like to talk about, and despite your creepy need to know everything about me it’s not something you could have found out from my file either. But anyway, looking back I think that’s why Rach and I fell back together after Matty. We’d never really stopped loving each other you know? It was just the burden of it all got to be too much. Then she told me she was pregnant and it was like all those years of pain and bitterness just didn't matter. I finally had what I’d always wanted, I had my family back and we were gonna have another baby. I was prepared to do anything, abandon all of you, move back to Jersey, anything to make that dream come true.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you, you know? You didn’t have to stay.” Steve’s sure Danny will call him on this obvious lie, but he’s too busy picking at the label on his longboard. Steve takes a moment to examine him. He’d always figured Danny was so wistful about children because his marriage had died before he could have more, but to find out that that the reverse is true has Steve looking at a lot of things in a new light. 

Anyone can see how much Danny loves being a father, he loves Grace so openly and so fiercely. Hell, he moved across the world leaving everything behind just to be with her two measly weekends a month. Now seeing him with Charlie as well it’s obvious that Danny would do anything for his children. It hurts Steven sometimes to compare to his own father, who said he loved his kids but never showed it, not in the ways that mattered. Danny’s not afraid to love his kids, and to let them know he loves them. Steve feels jealous sometimes that they never have to question their father’s love, never have to doubt it. He reaches over and clasps a hand on his partner’s shoulder, trying to convey sympathy and support through his touch.

Danny quirks a small smile acknowledging the gesture. He starts speaking again, but so quietly Steve has to lean forward to hear him. “Then she told me the baby was Stan’s and it ripped my heart out. So to answer your original question I never questioned her about Stan being the father because I truly believed there was no way it was me. I assume he never questioned it for the same reason. That brief period of hope had been a mistake, like it always was. I’d come to accept that I just don’t get the things I want.”

He stares at the ocean again and scrubs at the tears that have started to run down his cheeks. His voice rises in anger as he continues “Can you even imagine what it was like to find out that she’d lied to me? That Charlie had been my son all along? I’d just started to get over it, I figured I’m nearly forty, maybe Grace is all I’ll ever have and I’d started to make peace with that fact. But then she had to go and open up all those old wounds again. We destroyed our marriage trying to have another child, and now there he is. But she couldn’t let me have him. I’m not sure what her reasons were, whether she was trying to get back at me, fix her marriage or what, but I’m not sure I can ever forgive her. She knew this was the one thing I wanted most in the world and she kept it from me. Jesus, am I such a bad person that I deserve that? I just don’t even know anymore…”

“Danny how could you even think that? You’re a great person and a great father. In fact you’re the greatest father I can think of…”

Danny huffs out the ghost of a laugh, “Not good enough to be allowed to know my own son though.”

Steve opens his mouth to protest again but Danny cuts in “The worst part is that since she told me the baby was Stan’s I assumed that it must have all been my fault. It worked for her and Stan where it didn’t work for her and me, so by that logic the problem must have been mine. I’ve been blaming myself for four years for a lie.” He rubs his hands across his face and makes to stand. “I think I’m going to call it a night babe. If I have to think about this much longer I’m going to end up drunk and maudlin on your couch tonight and I’d rather not deal with the hangover in the morning. I’ll see myself out…”

Steve stands as well and follows him across the lanai and through the house to the front door. Stopping Danny at the threshold with a hand on his shoulder he starts “Hey, if you need someone to run interference with Rachel for a while, you know, to give you a break…” He searches his partner’s face for some clue as to whether he’s overstepping but Danny can be freakishly hard to read when he chooses to be.

“Thanks for the offer babe, but I’ll manage. I’ll see you tomorrow ok?” Danny turns towards the door again, and Steve lets his hand fall to his side.

He wants to call Danny back, ask him if that’s the reason that their flirting never turned into something more. If Danny held himself back because he was waiting for someone who could give him what he really wanted; another child. He feels like all the air has been squeezed from his lungs, like he’s been stabbed in the gut and is bleeding his feelings out all over. “Danny…”

It’s the worst possible time to do this, but he has to know. Feels like he’ll die if he doesn’t ask this question. Like if he doesn’t ask it tonight they’ll never be another chance and he’ll always wonder, what if. “Danny… I gotta know… is that why we never happened?”

Danny stops as though he’s run into a wall. His shoulders tense as he turns, as though bracing himself for a blow and Steve hates himself a little for throwing this on top of the giant pile of shit he’s already dealing with. Wants to go back and punch himself in the mouth before he ever said the words. But as Danny turns to face him Steve can see the smile, soft and small, that flits across his face.

“Really? You’re doing this now? Five years of ‘will they or won’t they’ and you pick this totally unremarkable Sunday night to make your move?” Danny’s waving his arms around and he’s scowling but there’s a smile hiding in the depths of his eyes.

Suddenly Steve can breath again, hope filling his lungs. He takes a quick step forward and grabs Danny by the shoulders. “You’re always telling me I’m terrible with emotions, did you really expect any better?”

Danny shakes his head as though amazed that once again he has to deal with the glaring holes in Steve’s emotional education. “Oh babe, this never happened because I never thought you would want someone as messed up and broken as me.”

“But I do, Danny. I do want you. Who else knows all about my crazy and stuck around anyway?” He moves forward and stares into Danny’s eyes, willing him to sense the unequivocal truth behind his words. “I want this ok? I want you, and I’m sorry I never made that clear before now, but I’m deadly serious about this ok? And you’re not broken. A little bruised and battered maybe, but we’ll get through this, like we always do.” 

“Fine, but we are not starting this tonight babe. Not when I’m emotionally hung-over and about to fall asleep on my feet. I am going home, to my own bed, where I will probably have a restless night for a completely different reason than I was expecting five minutes ago and then tomorrow you can pick me up after work and take me for dinner and we’ll see where this goes. Alright?”

Steve smirks at Danny’s imperious tone. It’s so good to hear him sounding like himself again. “Ok Danny, whatever you say.”

“Whatever I say? Why don’t you listen to me when it actually matters? Like when I tell you to wait for backup, or say ‘no grenades’ huh? Now all of a sudden you’re going to listen….”

Steve pulls back from the kiss smirking at Danny’s shocked expression.

“Yeah Danny I’m listening.”


End file.
